{"id":2581,"date":"2012-02-06T16:55:58","date_gmt":"2012-02-06T15:55:58","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/integrationtraining.co.uk\/blog\/?p=2581"},"modified":"2012-02-06T16:55:58","modified_gmt":"2012-02-06T15:55:58","slug":"sex-being-there-matters","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.integrationtraining.co.uk\/blog\/2012\/02\/sex-being-there-matters\/","title":{"rendered":"Sex – Being there matters"},"content":{"rendered":"

Why embodied intimacy is better than bumping bodies<\/h3>\n

Read this if you want more pleasure and connection during sex without having to pay a penny or learn any weird techniques.\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

I am a specialist in embodiment – the subjective experience of being a body – the study of the body in the first person, rather than as an object. I normally apply this work to\u00a0leadership<\/a>, resilience<\/a> and work matters of all kinds, however quite often I\u2019m asked about sex. This is understandable as it\u2019s one of the few areas most people in our disembodied culture are confronted with having a body at all (along with food and ill-health). For a while I have declined to say much about this topic as I\u2019m keen for other aspects of embodiment to be taken seriously, and thinking of the body as primarily \u201csexy and embarrassing\u201d can get in the way. Sadly, I still get sniggers and jokes when I mention the body at all in many locations so I guess I\u2019ve got nothing to lose. After getting a number of heart-felt requests and curious questions I thought \u201cwhy not\u201d, sex is a part of life after all, we\u2019re all grown-ups so let\u2019s speak frankly. I will avoid too many personal details that you (or my partner) might not appreciate, though this article does contain \u201cadult\u201d content and graphic metaphors that the prudish would do well to avoid. I also want to be clear that I am also not a sex therapist, pick-up artist<\/a> or tantra guru<\/a> but someone who helps people get into their bodies and this has some obvious sexual benefits:<\/p>\n

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Showing-Up To The Party<\/strong><\/p>\n

We can only enjoy sex, and connect emotionally through sex, if we are fully present \u201cin\u201d (or even better \u201cas\u201d) our bodies during sex. Merely bumping body bits will stimulate the nervous system enough to get-off a little, but being consciously aware during sex is much much more pleasurable. We have to be conscious at the party to really enjoy it! If you don\u2019t believe me try this now with any food you like, pay complete attention to it as you eat it- it will taste better! I suspect that being completely \u201cpresent\u201d during sex is actually quite rare, as it is with eating and other pleasures, and many people are simply \u201cgoing through the motions\u201d. Note too that we can show up to ourselves (embodiment) and also be present to the other embodied person (relational embodiment). If we are not present during sex our partner is really having sex with an object, if they are not present we might as well be using a blow-up doll. If we are not trying to relate to ourselves and our partners as conscious people during sex, we are just masturbating corpses.<\/p>\n

Note that being body-self-aware during sex also necessities being emotionally aware – emotions are bodily sensations and if we ignore or repress them we are cutting-off from our bodies and losing out. We anaesthetise through muscular tension and the tension required to not feel will lessen our enjoyment of sex. Relaxation and embodiment therefore go hand-in-hand…or any other part of the body in hand \ud83d\ude42<\/p>\n

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Disassociation – Nobody\u2019s Home to Play<\/strong><\/p>\n

Disassociation – the habit of not being conscious of oneself as embodied, but either being \u201cin the head\u201d wrapped in thought, or \u201cspaced out\u201d with our attention elsewhere, or tense and numbed as described, is sadly now the norm in Western culture.
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