{"id":79,"date":"2008-02-20T18:44:00","date_gmt":"2008-02-20T18:44:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/dev.wpdude.com\/test\/?p=79"},"modified":"2008-02-20T18:44:00","modified_gmt":"2008-02-20T18:44:00","slug":"non-violent-parenting","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.integrationtraining.co.uk\/blog\/2008\/02\/non-violent-parenting\/","title":{"rendered":"Non Violent Parenting"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/span><\/strong><\/a> The following is an article on non-violent parenting from Juno magazine by <\/span><\/strong>Shantigarbha<\/span><\/strong><\/a> is an NVC trainer and friend I appreciate deeply.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

We’ve been working together to bring a physical dimension to Non Violent Communication learning, incorporating aikido movements and somatics in NVC. Watch this space for more on “embodied NVC.”<\/p>\n

………………………..<\/p>\n

The power of communication – Shantigarbha
<\/strong>
A family describes how Nonviolent Parenting <\/strong>works for them<\/strong> <\/p>\n

SHANTIGARBHA: Nonviolent Communication (NVC) began in the US during the Civil Rights era as a way of helping black and white communities in the difficult process of reintegration. Since then it has flourished as a process for mediation and conflict resolution worldwide. I particularly enjoy how it encompasses social change and self-development, two parts of my life that I\u2019ve found difficult integrate in the past. Some background: I dabbled in politics as a young adult and have been meditating and practising as a Buddhist for the last 22 years. I joined the Western Buddhist Order and was given the name Shantigarbha, which means \u2018Seed of Peace\u2019, eleven years ago. Now, with NVC, I\u2019m integrating social change and self-development in an easy way.<\/p>\n

I met Christa through NVC and we\u2019ve tried to practise it in our communication with each other. It\u2019s a real test of what I\u2019m sharing with other people if I can stay with it when we\u2019re both in pain at the same time! I appreciate the depth and freedom that it\u2019s given us \u2013 we\u2019ve gone deep in a way that allows us both to be free, to still be ourselves in the relationship. I don\u2019t remember having that before.<\/p>\n

Parenting is still new for me \u2013 I didn\u2019t have children before I met Christa. Odd as it may seem, even though I love NVC and spend my life sharing it with people, I don\u2019t try to teach it to Lilli and Mona. I know from my own experience as a child the truth of the saying \u201cChildren don\u2019t resist learning \u2013 they resist teaching.\u201d Instead of trying to teach them something, I try to stay in touch with myself, and listen carefully to what\u2019s alive in them. I remind myself to go for the connection with them and let go of the outcome.<\/p>\n

In other words, I want to live in a world where we are all connected and everybody\u2019s basic needs are being met, and I don\u2019t know what that will look like, so I\u2019m hanging in there for the connection and hanging loose to possible outcomes.<\/p>\n

A practical way I do this is when I hear them express feelings. Before learning NVC, I used to call some feelings, like cheerful, happy, patient or relaxed, \u2018good\u2019; and some feelings, like angry sad, upset or guilty, \u2018bad\u2019. Now I don\u2019t give feelings these labels. I\u2019ve come to understand that all feelings (and thoughts, for that matter) are expressions of a person\u2019s basic human needs.<\/p>\n

This makes it easier for me to be with Lilli, for instance, when she is speaking at a volume that can be heard in the next room. I try to be present and hear the basic human needs underneath, without hearing it as blame or criticism (particularly of me!). The needs I guess she\u2019s in touch with are choice, autonomy, space, attention, self-value, belonging.
\"\"<\/a>
Sometimes I ask her if this is what she needs. Sometimes I just guess silently. It helps me to stay connected. And if I need space, to help me be present with myself, Christa and the girls, I take it \u2013 to support us all.<\/p>\n

CHRISTA (Lilli and Mona\u2019s mum): One day, when Lilli was eight, I said to her, \u201cYour room is a mess. Tidy it up immediately \u2013 I don\u2019t want to look at it any more.\u201d
She replied, \u201cIt\u2019s my room, and I like it the way it is.\u201d
I said, \u201cThat doesn\u2019t matter. You have to learn to keep things tidy.\u201d
\u201cYou don\u2019t have to come in,\u201d she said, and she closed the door in my face.
I opened it again and said, \u201cYou have to clean it right now. No discussion. And no TV until it\u2019s done.\u201d<\/p>\n

Lilli slammed the door. I heard noise from inside the room, as if she was throwing things around. I looked inside again and saw that she had made a bigger mess than before. I felt overwhelmed and helpless and my nerves were raw.<\/p>\n

After this happened, we both thought that the other one owed us something. We had a lot more fights, felt hurt, and couldn\u2019t hug each other for a long time.<\/p>\n

After I learned Nonviolent Communication, here\u2019s how I approached the same situation:
\u201cLilli, when I see the things on the floor in your room, I\u2019m uncomfortable because I need order and to value our possessions. Could you tell me what you heard me say, so that I know I\u2019ve expressed myself clearly?\u201d
She replied, \u201cI should tidy up, and I should take care of my things.\u201d
I said, \u201cI want to keep things that are useful and fun for us safe by taking them off the floor. Are you willing to put the things on the floor back in their places?\u201d
She replied, \u201cLater.\u201d
I asked, \u201cDo you want to decide for yourself when you help out, and
when you do your own things?\u201d
\u201cYes.\u201d
\u201cWhen I hear that, I\u2019m torn. I\u2019d like you to have that freedom, and, on the other hand, I\u2019m doubtful that it will get done before you go to bed.\u201d
\u201cCould be.\u201d
\u201cFor my clarity, could you give me a time by which you intend to do it?\u201d
\u201cOK \u2013 by the evening meal.\u201d
\u201cTo be safe, would you be willing to set an alarm to remind you?\u201d
\u201cOK \u2013 that\u2019s an idea.\u201d<\/p>\n

What I like about this approach is that everybody\u2019s needs are valued equally: my need to relax and Lilli\u2019s need to choose when she gives her support. This helps both sides to stay connected in finding a solution that everybody is behind. And it makes it more likely that the agreements we reach will be honoured.<\/p>\n

LILLI: Normally, when a mother tells her daughter to do something, the daughter has to do it. Since Mama has been learning NVC, we look together to see what is best for everybody and why. Sometimes I get angry and instead of her getting angry back, she tries to find out with me what the reason is \u2013 what I\u2019m angry about.<\/p>\n

For example, yesterday I was pissed off with something when she came to pick me up from school. I was shouting at her even though she hadn\u2019t done anything. The whole way home, she helped me to look for the reason why I was pissed off.<\/p>\n

Because we\u2019d done this before, it was easier for me to find out for myself. The reason was to do with the rehearsal I\u2019d just finished \u2013 for compering a school concert in the evening. I was disappointed in how I\u2019d spoken my part in the rehearsal. And I was stressed because I didn\u2019t feel confident about the evening. Once I\u2019d found this out, I felt better, and in the evening I did the compering in a way I was very happy with.<\/p>\n

One thing I don\u2019t like since Mama has been learning NVC is that discussions take longer than before!<\/p>\n

MONA: Nonviolent Communication helps me because my Mama can speak with my teachers without them feeling as if they are being \u2018attacked\u2019.<\/p>\n

For example, my French teacher wanted me to change subjects because I wasn\u2019t so good at French. Mama spoke to him. She tried to understand his point of view. Then she said that she\u2019s confident that I can learn French, and it\u2019s not a big problem that I don\u2019t learn fast. Afterwards, I was pleased because I stayed in the class, and the teacher didn\u2019t feel as though he was being \u2018attacked\u2019. Another example is with my sister. My Mama can stand it when my sister flips out. Mama tries to find the reason why my sister is angry.<\/p>\n

I am very thankful that my family uses NVC!<\/p>\n

Written by Shantigarbha (Chris Warren), Christa Gronow, Lilli and Mona<\/p>\n

Shantigarbha and Christa met on a Nonviolent Communication (NVC) workshop in Budapest, three years ago. Both have become certified NVC trainers. Shantigarbha moved from the UK to Germany to live with Christa and her two girls. When Christa is not doing her job as a social worker or looking after Lilli (16) and Mona (13), she joins Shantigarbha on his trips to run workshops abroad.<\/p>\n

Shantigarbha: <\/strong>www.seedofpeace.org<\/strong><\/a><\/p>\n

Illustration by Veronica Petrie.
Photo: (left to right) Shantigarbha, Mona, Lilli and Christa in their garden in Germany.
<\/em>
RESOURCES: <\/u><\/em>
http:\/\/www.nvc-uk\/<\/a>. Info \u2013 trainers in the UK
http:\/\/www.cnvc.org\/<\/a> \u2013 The International Centre for Nonviolent Communication<\/p>\n

BOOKS:
Available from http:\/\/www.life-resources-shop.com\/<\/a>
\u2018Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life\u2019 by Marshall Rosenberg, \u00a310.99
‘Nonviolent Communication Companion Workbook: A Practical Guide for Individual, Group or Classroom Study\u2019 by Lucy Leu, PuddleDancer Press, \u00a312.99
\u2018Raising Children Compassionately: Parenting the Nonviolent Communication Way\u2019 by Marshall B. Rosenberg, \u00a34.99
\u2018Parenting From Your Heart: Sharing the Gifts of Compassion, Connection and Choice\u2019 by Inbal Kashtan, \u00a34.99
\u2018Respectful Parents, Respecful Kids: 7 Keys to Turn Family Conflict into Co-operation\u2019 by Sura Hart and Victoria Kindle Hodson, \u00a39.99
\u2018The Compassionate Classroom: Relationship Based Teaching and Learning\u2019 by Sura Hart and Victoria Kindle Hodson, \u00a310.9<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The following is an article on non-violent parenting from Juno magazine by Shantigarbha is an NVC trainer and friend I appreciate deeply. We’ve been working together to bring a physical dimension to Non Violent Communication learning, incorporating aikido movements and somatics in NVC. Watch this space for more on “embodied NVC.” ……………………….. The power of communication – ShantigarbhaA family describes how Nonviolent Parenting works for them SHANTIGARBHA: Nonviolent Communication (NVC) began in the US during the Civil Rights era as a way of helping black and white communities in the difficult process of reintegration. Since then it has flourished as <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"spay_email":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_is_tweetstorm":false,"jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p9xvDN-1h","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.integrationtraining.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/79"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.integrationtraining.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.integrationtraining.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.integrationtraining.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.integrationtraining.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=79"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.integrationtraining.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/79\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.integrationtraining.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=79"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.integrationtraining.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=79"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.integrationtraining.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=79"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}